Monday, September 5

stream of consciousness.

i used to write more cautiously. not typo-wise because i'll forever make spelling and grammar mistakes, but even though i'd want to write all of my thoughts down, i didn't like the idea of other people reading it and making comments about it. good comments are great, but it has always been hard for me to take criticism or rejection. during school, i didn't mind presentations and speeches as much as those times my classmates had to correct my essays. i was embarrassed of my writing.

now, all i want to do is write. maybe i've learned some things in the past few years... maybe i've become more emotional. i don't know what it is, but whenever i feel pathetically sad or over-the-top happy, i want to write about it.

these days, everything is so pathetically sad to me. i don't know if it's because i'm a girl. i don't know if it's because of my period. i don't know if it's because of other personal reasons. i don't know if it's because i'm leaving korea... it's because i'm leaving korea. and it's not like before when i left korea in tears thinking of all the good memories i made here/how i want to stay/how i'm going to miss my relatives here. yes, i'll miss one relative, but my departure has deeper meaning for family all over the world.

i was watching this documentary about a dog who waits for his sick and old, about-to-pass-away owners every day at the bus stop. even if the owners try to trap him inside the house before going on their daily hospital visits, this dog finds a way to crawl through holes and jump across rooftops to get to that one bus stop where he waits. he waits all day. seeing this made me cry.

w.t.f.?

maybe i'm just sad these days because i was born a sensitive being. i'm. so. sensitive. i try to act like shit doesn't get to me, but it does. people think i don't care, but i do. maybe i'm not egotistical enough. maybe i'm not self-centered enough. and what i'm going to say now is going to make me look like the most haughty bitch: i just feel bad for everyone. at this point, i feel like i can't just focus on myself and move forward. i want to make everyone happy, but that's not an easy thing to do. just the fact that most of these sentences are negated by a "but" makes me sad. i feel bad for my loved ones who aren't happy. i don't care if i'm unhappy; i want them to be happy. a couple days ago, i felt bad after thinking about how i've been playfully "rude" to my chubby, little cousin. i felt so bad that i... cried.

i need a cigarette, but i don't have any.

i need to get rid of everything that doesn't bring joy to my life and just do what feels right.